and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you will always have a special place in my vag
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
