Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
