If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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