I think i peed on brittanys purse
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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