Don't make out with my wife yet
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
