I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
