God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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