guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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