Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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