That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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