sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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