He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
