the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
