I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
