Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
