ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
How's work?
Spinning.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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