You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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