He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
