If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
