I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
