Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
