was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
