i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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