I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
