Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
