Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
