I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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