what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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