Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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