And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
