Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
