i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize