i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
