i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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