i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
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