no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
