I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
