Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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