Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
