There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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