the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
