i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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