I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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