I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
