Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
