i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
that may or may not have been my penis.
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