Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
