Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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