Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
