Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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