Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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