I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
