he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
