Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
