got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
