i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
