i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
