It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
