Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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